Man, oh boy, oh man folks… yes. It’s that time of year again. The time of year in which all the children in the neighborhood inexplicably lose the fear of getting abducted as they literally go door to door taking candy from strangers. It’s the season of the witch. All Hallows’ Eve. Samhain. Pre-Christmas. Halloween.
Now, I know I’ve given all you folks out there a history of Halloween before. You’re welcome. But this year I thought I’d focus on the holiday itself. I’ve discussed traditions before in a 100% factual fashion. But today we’re going to get a little deeper. I mean we all know how Halloween started… now… again, you’re welcome. But let’s talk about how Halloween continues with the Top 5 Classic… Halloween!
1- Bobbing for apples
Now here’s a goody folks. This is where you put a bunch of apples in some water and stick your face in their with your mouth open to grab them. Yes, of course it’s germ ridden. In fact it’s down right disgusting… Hey yeah, that’s gross. Why the hell would anybody do that? Why would you put your mouth in water and apples that some gross little ankle biter just plunged his disease mouth into a second ago… You’d be likely to get a canker. Forget this one.
2- Checking the candy
That’s right, kids. Nowadays there’s a lot of them weirdos out there. They’re not regular people. So you’ve got to cut your candy open to make sure nobody put anything weird in there. Like there was this time when there were razor blades in apples… Wow, apples are more halloweenish than you think. In fact, why in the hell do we carve the pumpkins? Might as well be the apples. Just watch out for a hypodermic needle. There are some jokesters out there… wow. That is…
3- Wearing a costume
That’s right folks. This is a no-brainer. Lots of people like to wear themselves a get up. Now back when you were a kid you would dress as like Batman or a cowboy or something like that. As you get older it becomes either something sexy or some kind of commentary you have no business making anyway, like you dress up as “The Economy.” What kind of self righteous alcoholic college student prick would do that during my junior year in 2008 when I thought I knew everything… I thought I was being edgy…
4- Egg houses/Toilet Paper Houses/Vandalism
Here’s an oldie but a goodie. That’s right. Remember when those mean older neighbors wouldn’t give you any candy, because they have nothing to live for since their estranged with their kids and never get to see their grandchildren? So you’d throw a little salt in the wound with a little harmless defacing of property. Or maybe you were just a bad child and did it anyway. But the point is you loved to inconvenience the citizens in town by making them clean up something that shouldn’t have to. I mean what did they expect for minding their own business?!… I mean they didn’t give us any candy that we didn’t pay for… so why not soap the windows and egg the hell out of their house… Spray paint the door… Oh man. That must have taken a long time to get rid of. I feel terrible.
5- Watching slasher movies
And who could forget this staple. Remember wanting so desperately when you were younger to warn those horny teenagers that Jason Voorhees was about to kill them with hedge clippers? Or that Michael Myers was stalking them because he’s pure evil?! Boy wasn’t that fun!… of course that’s not the same now though. Now you watch those movies and you’re kind of happy that somebody’s taking care of the surplus population problem. I mean it’s just a bunch of kids screwing around. They’re adding nothing to society. Of course they’re getting butchered. I mean the only one worth it was the one from the New Blood that had telekinesis. Because she could use her powers to help society. But forget the rest of them… Damn kids….
…Man, Halloween is different when you’re older. uh… Sorry… about all this.