John “The Goat” Gauntt – Head Writer/News Producer
John “the Goat” Gauntt is widely known throughout the entire village of Longyearbyen, Svalbard as “the funny guy”, which loosely translated means, “the idiot running from the polar bear.” He left Svalbard in 2002 by means of excommunication. It;s a long story, and by law we’re not allowed to talk about it, but it involves an invisible chicken and a tire swing. He was also naked. Alright, you forced it out of me. He was swinging on a tire swing naked and screaming at a group of nuns about an invisible chicken. After his 4 month journey by kayak to America, he got drunk and stumbled into a recording studio, which happened to be now known as Wildfire Radio. He eats out of the trashcan and bathes with toilet water. Frankly, we just can’t get him to leave. We’ve called the police, but he butters himself up before they arrive, so they can’t grab onto him. The only logical thing to do was to give him a full time position as head writer of the once great comedy podcast, Mental Poison. His dedication to never breaking character, (homeless person) would eventually lead to all of the other crew members quitting, some of whom may or may not have committed suicide.